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The truth behind England's many many many many many failed attempts to win the World Cup


I guess it must have been
‘86 my friends when
we got the chance to meet the best
(we told him)
Raise your hand up to the sky
push the ball into that net
we’ve paid off both linesmen and ref

And england lost
but they never guessed
The hand of god
was just the hand of Ted

You gotta know
Come rain or shine or wind or snow that
England will never win again
We've been behind
Nearly 30 years of disappointment
They lose the game we win the bet

In 1990
We wiped away Gazzas tears
We couldn’t bear to watch him upset
(so we rigged it)
Exchanging Chris Waddle
For a remote controlled Robot
We kicked that ball over the net

And england lost
but they never found out
Chris Waddle was
made in China

In the last world cup
We nearly wiped out betfred
England were down and getting
Somewhat desperate
But we were worried they might
Still pull something out the bag
So we called that coach and told him
Time for the back up plan
And the world watched hesky make a stand

Bet against England
Whoah oh oh oh

Because they're gonna lose
Its guaranteed
We've paid off players
And referees
And for those who refuse
To be involved
There'll be laxatives
in their sports bottles
Or scorpions in their
football boots
medicine balls for
penalty shoots yeah
another four years
and we’ll do it again
to make sure England
never win


from The Hand of Ted, released June 9, 2014



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